Hi I am BOB. You’ve not heard me here me before. For, unlike Bruce, the philosopher, I am a dog of action, and not of words. But today I’ve decided to break my silence to tell you about my favourite thing – BANANA!
The reason I like BANANA is very simple. I live beside West Highland Way. Every day, hungry humans walk along West Highland Way, eating their BANANAS. Sometimes the humans leave behind BANANA skins. Other times (O joy of joys!) they abandon entire BANANAS. As adherents to the ‘leave only footprints’ rule Tom and Kate take a dim view of abandoning anything, including BANANAS. But what’s their problem? For I, BANANABOB am here, ready and more than willing to clean the path, scooping and hoovering up any and all discarded BANANAS and their skins!
I, BANANABOB am unstoppable in my quest! Once a BANANA has been scented, I simply cannot be deterred! For though I have learned it is best to listen to humans, and to DROP the many other items that they do not wish me to chew up – such as stones, sticks, books and textiles of all kinds – and though I will, on command, happily DROP a domestic BANANA when one is occasionally presented to me (since I know very well that such BANANAS are being used for manipulative human training purposes) canny BANANABOB will never drop a wild West Highland Way BANANA!
During the lengthy period of BANANA hostilities, many attempts have been made to foil BANANABOB in his quest but relatively few have succeeded. That’s because BANANABOB’s campaign has several key advantages: first, Kate cannot move at speed, second, there’s the fundamental issue of human dignity (which is all too frequently breached when BANANABOB is your adversary!) and finally, the noses of humans are clearly defective, while the superior nose of BANANABOB is able to discern the delicious scent of a decaying BANANA at several hundred feet – indeed, BANANABOB has been known to excavate and consume BANANAS, which humans have foolishly buried, thinking they are able to hide their detritus from me underground. How wrong they are!
Of late, I’ve noticed something of a detente in the BANANA battle. There seem to be two reasons for this. The first is that no harm has ever come to me from consuming the occasional old BANANA, even those of the particularly delectable variety that have been flung into a bog and have lain fermenting there, beneath the filth and oomska, for many moons. Second, recently there have been far fewer human walkers on the West Highland Way. Now, I have no idea what this “global situation” is to which Kate and Tom have been referring, but for me its obvious consequence has been the sad depletion of my supply of old BANANAS.
(in suspended animation while awaiting a BANANA)
But yesterday, into my bleak BANANALESS desert came a happy surprise for BANANABOB! I was told it was my birthday and that Kate and Tom had saved an old BANANA just for me!
A BANANA? For me?!
Surely the best birthday ever.